Archive for May 31st, 2009

A Cure For Drug Addiction!

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

I’ve discovered a cure for drug addiction.  Something stronger than crack, more soothing than pot, more energizing then coke, and, dare I say it, right up there with sex.  Close all the rehab places and use the money to buy addicts a massage.

When I have money or some wonderful person gives me a gift certificate (thanks for the birthday gift, kids!) I call Kathy, my therapist, and make an appointment for an hour of bliss, followed by weeks of being able to turn my head and bend over.  Regular visits cure tension headaches, lower back pain, and sciatica.  And the lotion makes my skin soft.

While the massage is good, I’d pay Kathy just to let me hang out in her therapy room.  There should be a law requiring a room like this in every home-the savings in treatment for mental problems would be phenomenal.  It’s a small room painted a soft, medium sagey green that is as soothing as nature.  A small fan blocks outside noises, and low light and soft music relieve tension before the massage even begins. I lie down on the comfy padded table, close my eyes, and the world disappears.  I gotta get a room like this.

By the time I’ve relaxed in that dim room with soft music, been rubbed with thick lotion and warmed with hot stones, and finished my complimentary bottle of ice cold water afterward, I know that massage is my drug of choice.  If I won the lottery, Kathy would be the first person added to my payroll.

The drawback, of course, of allowing addicts to trade drug addiction for massage addiction, is that if anyone in need of rehab could sign up for massage therapy, millions of otherwise sober people would run right out and start sucking up the first drug they find, hoping for a quick addiction so that they, too, would be eligible for free massages.

Okay, maybe massages for the masses wouldn’t solve the drug problem.  I guess we’d end up with Massage Task Forces and a war on lotion.  But if I don’t get another gift certificate soon, I may have to start swiping stereos.  Cause I need a fix!